Denouement
Your masculine fragility does not entitle you to dehumanize us
CECILIA and VIC met on a dating site where Cecilia is public about being a transgender woman in her profile. Although passionate at first, the relationship was ambiguous after Vic left town and he started ignoring her. Cecilia figured it was over, but was trying to stay friendly. Recently Vic sent her a sweet Valentine's message saying “I’d like to talk to you, lots of love”. Now on a Zoom call, after some initial small talk, he brings up that he wants to clear the air about their dating experience together:
Vic: “I was having a lot of difficulty with the part that you had not finished your transition. Seeing you and talking to you at first in chat and over Zoom, I assumed you had. You looked and acted like you’d had bottom surgery. I became emotionally connected to you before I found out we were sexually not compatible…”
Vic: “…it felt like a consent violation.”
Cecilia: “So, it sounds like you feel misled, that I should have told you earlier? Before you became emotionally attached when otherwise you wouldn’t have? I can imagine that must be frustrating. Did I get that right?”
Vic: “Yes it was. I suppose I could have asked…”
Cecilia: “Why did you tell me you loved me, and gave me a pretty present? That was several days after you met me and found out, it was after several days of intimacy.”
Vic: “I thought I was okay with it, but really wasn’t.”
Cecilia: “Well, I felt abandoned when you stopped talking to me, it seemed like I wasn’t important to you anymore. You told me your feelings hadn’t changed, but that you had to focus on your work.”
Vic: “Being abandoned isn’t a feeling.
Cecilia: “Okay, I was angry, and sad, oh, and hurt. Very hurt.”
Vic: “See, when you say it that way I can hear what you‘re saying. That’s how non-violent communication works.”
Cecilia: “Yes, what I said before was accusatory. I imagine it hurts to hear it. I was venting, telling you my perspective. I didn’t expect it to be easy to hear.
Cecilia: “Thank you for letting me get it off my chest.”
(Vic proceeds to lecture Cecilia on non-violent conflict resolution. He shares an infographic over the zoom screen that “proves” that abandonment is not a feeling)
Cecilia (thinking): “Time to just be pleasant and let him ramble on mansplaining. Maybe he’ll just leave me alone after this…”
P.S. For those of you who are dating, don’t forget to share gynecological information before the first date, in case, you know, they get “emotionally attached” and end up not liking your sex organs. Consent is important!
❤ Gratefully Pansexual,
Eislyn
